Saturday, October 17, 2009

This migraine is not just doing its job; it hates you and everything you stand for with a fiery passion

Yesterday I had a migraine that I think might have redefined my whole concept of pain. I don't know. Maybe I just haven't had one that bad in a while and I'd forgotten. I think forgetting how bad it can be is a coping strategy.

It started making its presence felt shortly after noon; I dithered a bit on taking prescription meds because I'd taken Relpax the day before. Ever since my rebound nightmare I try, if at all possible, to avoid taking the stuff back to back.

I thought, oh well -- maybe nothing much will come of it.

It was disappointing to think of spending the day in bed because I've been sick most of the week and was finally starting to feel better and wanted to get out and do something.

The migraine hit hard and fast and by 2 p.m. I was unable to do anything but lie as still as possible on my back. The pain was intense. I was painting surrealistic pictures in my mind of people walking around with their heads engulfed in flames -- kind of like human candles.

Fortunately for me, I have the ability to sleep through pain and I dozed most of the afternoon and evening. During my waking moments, I lay there trying to compose some sort of Facebook status update about the attack. This was the best I came up with: "This migraine isn't just doing its job; it hates me and everything I stand for with a fiery passion." I never posted it because it wasn't like I was capable of going online at that point. And afterwards... I don't know. I guess I sort of hate to trivialize the experience that way. Pain is profound, in its way.

Or maybe it just feels that way because it is so... oh, what am I trying to say?

Anyway, as I said, there was something decidedly malevolent about the pain. It's hard for me to describe what it was about this particular migraine that really stood out.

I'm afraid it will come back -- though if it does, I'm planning to hit it with Maxalt (which I've switched to from Relpax -- it's pretty much the same thing, but I think the dissolving tabs probably work faster...) as soon as it starts to rear its ugly head. I'm taking antibiotics and I have this irrational fear that they are causing me to have these headaches... but it also could be because I stopped taking the antidepressant a doctor prescribed for me... there was a whole chapter this past month that by rights I should have recounted here, but lets face it, since I'm pretty sure no one reads this or cares, my motivation is a little less than all that.

I read the literature that came with the antibiotics and headache was not mentioned as a possible side effect, so it seems unlikely...

I had to get up to vomit twice, both times hoping against hope that that would break the pain somewhat. It didn't. But I was able to sleep most of the night. By around 3:30 I woke up and the pain was still there -- but considerably dulled. I was wide awake at that point -- probably because I'd been sleeping most of the time since 2 p.m. the day before -- so I got up and made a cup of sweet chai, figuring I needed to rehydrate. I was up another few hours. If the headache hadn't still been hanging on i just would have gotten up and started doing things -- washing the dishes that have been piling up the past few days I was sick, that sort of thing -- but even though it was at a far more bearable level, I didn't feel like taking the chance of aggravating it until I was sure it was on its way out.

Here's the oddest thing to me about the whole experience. When I was sleeping on this hellish pain, I had kind of a beautiful dream. I dreamt I saw hundreds of white butterflies bursting out of beautiful white cocoons on a curved bough. Then after they flew away, tiny white caterpillars were making their way into new cocoons to start the cycle all over. I don't know what it meant, but it has to be good, right?

A postscript: My head is starting to hurt again, so I decided to Google Azithromycin (the antibiotic I'm taking) and headache -- it seems the literature that came with the prescription is not a complete listing of side effects -- headache IS one of the potential side effects... I'm supposed to take this stuff four more days. Damn.