A ray of hope

Sorry, I've been away for a while -- a bit longer than two months, to be precise.

So where were we?

I'd just had a bad headache and as usual, I had put off using medicine I knew would work because I dreaded the side effects so much.

I've been a bit more pragmatic since then. December was not a great month in my head, but I dealt with it more effectively -- I took medicine when I needed to and while I didn't avoid all pain, I didn't spend any days in bed moaning in agony.

I also gave Excedrin Migraine a try. It works, but the side effects, while different than Maxalt, are still unpleasant. For one thing, there's a shit load of caffiene in that stuff. I try not to take it after 4 or 5 p.m., because I can't fall asleep. Also it upsets my tummy and generally makes me feel a little cruddy (I've never dealt well with caffiene -- it's what's kept me from getting addicted to coffee or Coca-cola) But I did use it a few days when I was at work and needed to be alert.

I'd been trying an herb called butterbur, which I thought maybe was helping, but since I still ended up using harsh medicines about nine times, in retrospect, perhaps it wasn't working that well after all.

But toward the end of the month I got an email from someone who claimed to be a doctor and offered to send me a free trial of a medication he had developed. Dr. Steve Roberts is his name. I wasn't sure what to think. I checked out his Web site and did a little searching around on the Internet about him, and there was indeed a Dr. Steve Roberts who appeared to be a reputable migraine expert and this seemed to be one and the same as the one who contacted me. I figured he either found this blog or found me on one of a number of migraine forums where I have posted questions.

I figured chances were slight that he was a psycho out there looking to poison people, and since the ingredient listed in his concotion didn't appear to be anything that could harm me, I thought, 'what have I got to lose?'

So I said, 'Sure. Send me the stuff.'

It's called Banjo. Here's the link with more information:

http://drstevesbanjo.com

When I got it, I was still a bit nervous about it, so it took me a couple of days to start with it, but then by the third day I was feeling a bit headachy, so I jumped in. I did not end up getting having a migraine or even a headache that day.

I had a pretty decent January, all in all. I had two times when I succumbed to Maxalt. Dr. Steve (who has been very accessible and responsive) asked me if I took two of the lozenges when I began to have the headache and I don't believe I did. In any case, going from nine to two in a month is a good sign (although I have had good months before). So, I'm cautiously optimistic.

I am going to keep using Banjo and see what happens. I would really like to have my life back from the migraine monster.

Migraine is the Devil

But then, we already knew that...
Well, I had my second two-day knock-down drag-out headache in two weeks. I took my last sick day last time, so this time I guess I'm out on a "personal day" (this year they took away one sick day and gave us an extra personal day, whatever that is)
This headache was fairly run of the mill, except of course that it's dragged on FOREVER and that gets very old.
But as usual, the worst of it is the fear. Where is this going? Is it going to get worse? Am I going to lose more and more days to this monster?
This time, laying there in pain with nothing much to occupy my mind, I considered writing a sonnet about the monster/devil that is migraine.
I came up with a partial first line, but now I've already forgotten it. Something about a monster that eats days...

Anyway, this one was my fault for experimenting, I suppose.
On Saturday I was getting a headache and I tried hitting it with BC powder, which sometimes works. It seemed to dull it for an hour or so, but then it started coming back. The Maxalt has been hitting me pretty hard, so I thought I'd try half of one to see what happened -- and it worked pretty well. Okay, it was slightly more than a half because I broke it in two when I was standing in a long line at Ross trying not to lose my mind while one lady's transaction seemed to take about 20 minutes or so... but I digress. Anyway, I took the bigger "half" of the broken tablet, and, as I said, it worked pretty well. Headache went away and I was only slightly tired -- not overpoweringly sleepy.

So, on Sunday when my head began to hurt again, I took the other, smaller half. Didn't seem to have any effect at all, so in another couple hours I tried a BC. Which, again, had no impact whatsoever.
So by dark, I was in bed, and the fire had started.

Missing work was more of a problem than usual because this is Thanksgiving week and they always need extra stories to get through the days when people are out. Holidays in the newspaper business are really hardly worth the trouble. All the days off mean is you get to do the same amount of work in less time. I know, poor me. Poooooor, poooooor meeeee.

Anyway -- in denial, I got up and my head seemed slightly better, so I decided the migraine was on its way out. But it was getting late so I called in and said I'd be late -- about an hour. About an hour and a half later, with the head throbbing again, I called back and said, uh, sorry -- I was lying. Head's worse again and I don't know when I'll be in.

Oh -- here's one new thing about this one. When it started being a migraine it was on the left side of my head, but by last night, it had moved over to the right side. I don't recall it ever doing that before. Again with the fear... how much worse is it going to get? What if I can't work? What's going to happen to me?

This migraine is not just doing its job; it hates you and everything you stand for with a fiery passion

Yesterday I had a migraine that I think might have redefined my whole concept of pain. I don't know. Maybe I just haven't had one that bad in a while and I'd forgotten. I think forgetting how bad it can be is a coping strategy.

It started making its presence felt shortly after noon; I dithered a bit on taking prescription meds because I'd taken Relpax the day before. Ever since my rebound nightmare I try, if at all possible, to avoid taking the stuff back to back.

I thought, oh well -- maybe nothing much will come of it.

It was disappointing to think of spending the day in bed because I've been sick most of the week and was finally starting to feel better and wanted to get out and do something.

The migraine hit hard and fast and by 2 p.m. I was unable to do anything but lie as still as possible on my back. The pain was intense. I was painting surrealistic pictures in my mind of people walking around with their heads engulfed in flames -- kind of like human candles.

Fortunately for me, I have the ability to sleep through pain and I dozed most of the afternoon and evening. During my waking moments, I lay there trying to compose some sort of Facebook status update about the attack. This was the best I came up with: "This migraine isn't just doing its job; it hates me and everything I stand for with a fiery passion." I never posted it because it wasn't like I was capable of going online at that point. And afterwards... I don't know. I guess I sort of hate to trivialize the experience that way. Pain is profound, in its way.

Or maybe it just feels that way because it is so... oh, what am I trying to say?

Anyway, as I said, there was something decidedly malevolent about the pain. It's hard for me to describe what it was about this particular migraine that really stood out.

I'm afraid it will come back -- though if it does, I'm planning to hit it with Maxalt (which I've switched to from Relpax -- it's pretty much the same thing, but I think the dissolving tabs probably work faster...) as soon as it starts to rear its ugly head. I'm taking antibiotics and I have this irrational fear that they are causing me to have these headaches... but it also could be because I stopped taking the antidepressant a doctor prescribed for me... there was a whole chapter this past month that by rights I should have recounted here, but lets face it, since I'm pretty sure no one reads this or cares, my motivation is a little less than all that.

I read the literature that came with the antibiotics and headache was not mentioned as a possible side effect, so it seems unlikely...

I had to get up to vomit twice, both times hoping against hope that that would break the pain somewhat. It didn't. But I was able to sleep most of the night. By around 3:30 I woke up and the pain was still there -- but considerably dulled. I was wide awake at that point -- probably because I'd been sleeping most of the time since 2 p.m. the day before -- so I got up and made a cup of sweet chai, figuring I needed to rehydrate. I was up another few hours. If the headache hadn't still been hanging on i just would have gotten up and started doing things -- washing the dishes that have been piling up the past few days I was sick, that sort of thing -- but even though it was at a far more bearable level, I didn't feel like taking the chance of aggravating it until I was sure it was on its way out.

Here's the oddest thing to me about the whole experience. When I was sleeping on this hellish pain, I had kind of a beautiful dream. I dreamt I saw hundreds of white butterflies bursting out of beautiful white cocoons on a curved bough. Then after they flew away, tiny white caterpillars were making their way into new cocoons to start the cycle all over. I don't know what it meant, but it has to be good, right?

A postscript: My head is starting to hurt again, so I decided to Google Azithromycin (the antibiotic I'm taking) and headache -- it seems the literature that came with the prescription is not a complete listing of side effects -- headache IS one of the potential side effects... I'm supposed to take this stuff four more days. Damn.

Still bad

I'm just tired of being in pain or worrying about being in pain all the time.

In fact, I'm starting to think about going back to the doctors and trying the next drug on the list. It's an antidepressant -- I forget which one -- and it's supposed to prevent headaches. Hell, I'm depressed enough about the headaches that I might qualify for it on those grounds as well. Okay -- I probably qualified for it before, but that's another story for another blog.

I suppose I don't need to say that the last few days have been fairly not great in my head.

I had a knock-down drag-out over the holiday weekend. In all, two days of pain, bad enough at its peak that I seriously considered calling an ambulance to take me to the emergency room. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but it was really starting to get to me. As usual, what stopped me was the thought of having to talk to people and fill out forms and things like that -- it didn't seem worth whatever relief they might have to offer.

But where was I?

I have a really fairly mild headache right now. It started around mid morning and kicked in a bit more solidly by mid afternoon. I just tried to get my story done well and quickly so I could get the hell out of there in case it really started to roll. Despite my best efforts, my editor wanted to change things in my story and I snapped at him. Felt really stupid.

Although the pain was not anywhere near excruciating, I left work depressed and thinking seriously about quitting and moving in with my mother. Maybe that doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but trust me, only the very sheerest desperation could persuade me to move back in with her or I'd have done it long ago.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Even without the headaches, my life often seems difficult and unpleasant -- but with them? When my head hurts, it just seems like my life would be easy-peesey without the pain. People who are healthy should get down on their knees and thank God, Allah, Buddha or the Flying Spaghetti Monster morning, noon and night.

As you can see, all of my millions of readers (hah!), I'm not coping too well at the moment.
I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.

Losing my cool

And this week -- not starting off great.
I thought maybe we (by which I mean I) could be done with the headaches for a while already.
But by about 4 p.m. or so, one was definitely setting in.
But I thought I could finish my work and get out before things got hairy -- maybe get on my bike and ride it off before it could really get out of control.
But I was working on two stories (fortunately one got held, or I'd have lost my mind completely) and one of them (the one that ran) was controversial, which always seems to take a bit more effort.
Anyway -- I finished my story and turned it in.
Then it turned out I hadn't saved the final changes and the stupid program let me close it without asking if I wanted to save, as it randomly does from time to time. So I had to go in and redo those parts.
Then my editor started reading it and although I had thought the story was reasonably clean and clear, he had a million questions and wanted to change a lot of things around.
So of course by now my head is pounding and it's getting to that point past which I cannot cope.
I'm afraid I was rather snippy.
I REALLY, REALLY didn't mean to be.
It's just that it started to seem like it would never stop -- his questions, the pain, the pain, the pain.
He was on the last paragraph and I guess I should have tried to pull myself together -- but I lost it and said, "I'm sorry, but I really have to leave."
And flounced out rather petulantly.
I don't understand why this is happening to me. Why it has to be this way. I try so hard to be And yes, I know I'm being a big whiny baby poor me wah.
As always, the fear of losing my job, not being able to do my job, because of the headaches.
Am I being melodramatic?
Possibly.
The pain is not the worst I've ever felt. Not even close. It just feels like a brush fire behind my eyes.
I'm sorry. This whole blog idea seems to be bogging down in self pity.
I didn't mean for it to be that way.
Maybe I should go back to the doctor and see what the pharmaceutical industry has to offer these days.
That back bedroom with the drawn shades and the laudanum is looking pretty sweet right about now.

A possibly tedious recounting of my four-headache week...

Last week was not a great week in my head.
The headache I woke up with Monday faded away before noon, which was a great relief.
Tuesday was okay.
Wednesday started out fine, but by lunchtime the noise was starting up in my head and it became that question of whether to take Relpax or risk the consequences -- a question I had to answer before eating lunch.
If I time it just right, often I can take it just in time so that it's bad enough so I am certain it was necessary but not so far gone that it won't do any good. I've gotten pretty good at gauging that, generally. On Wednesday I decided to take it, and I think it was justified.
It made me feel really, really sleepy as it sometimes does, but I managed to get through the day.
Just as it was taking effect I was interviewing two geology professors at Lamar University. When it hits me hard like that I often wonder if other people notice something odd about me -- like maybe they wonder if I'm on drugs, which I am, but not maybe the way they think.
Anyway, I got through the day and did most of what I meant to do.
Thursday, by late afternoon, my head began to ache.
Generally, I try to avoid taking Relpax two days in a row, as I think that's too often. And so far, it hasn't often been necessary (that is, since I got off the cycle of rebound headaches, which is the reason I limit my use of Relpax in the first place).
Anyway, out of sheer desperation, I took a whooooole bunch of ibuprofen -- about six 200 milligram tablets. It made me feel a little weird, but miraculously, it seemed to do the trick.
Who knows -- maybe the headache would have faded away on its own.
Friday was okay.
But Saturday, I woke up with a headache -- and I had to work.
I thought about trying the ibuprofen again, but I didn't have any at home. My assignment was to cover a historic gun exhibition in Orange (about 20 miles from Beaumont, where I live) so I got ready for work and drove over there, stopping at a convenience store for ibuprofen. I took five, and I think it might have blunted the progress for a little while. Hard to say.
But two hours later, it seemed to be building again.
I left the museum where the exhibit was being held and went back out into the heat and got in my un-air conditioned car.
I felt afraid to take the drug (because of the side effects) and afraid not to (for obvious reasons).
I looked around me, trying to read the landscape -- maybe it seems stupid to believe in signs -- it's not exactly that I think mystical messages are planted for my edification, it's more that I think my subconscious will use the objects and activities going on around me to help me navigate. Either way, maybe it sounds goofy.
Anyway, I saw nothing much that stood out to me one way or the other and drove on apathetically.
It occurred to me that the consequences of doing nothing could be extremely painful and at the same time, I realized that I WANTED to take Relpax.
So I did.
And again, I think it was the choice that most helped me get through the day I had planned.
Part of my day Saturday was training a new reporter on the duties of the Saturday shift, and I'm pretty sure that would not have gone well with a raging headache -- much less a full-blown migraine.
And this very green rookie reporter would not have been able to cope on her own with the Saturday routine.
So, all well and good.
But I woke this morning with a faint pain in my head.
Nothing major, but waking with pain is usually a poor start to a day.
I have an obligation later today -- but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to take Relpax again.
I was doing so well there for a while.
Granted, this week my period started, which makes it more likely for me to have headaches, but I don't always have FOUR the week of my period.
It seems to go in cycles that way -- but when I get into a bad patch like this, I'm always afraid it's never going to end -- that this is just going to be my life from now on.
It's especially worrisome because, from what I've read, migraine is not considered a disability. Which seems odd to me.
True, for many people, they are not a daily or even weekly occurrence. But when they are, they make it very difficult to work and be productive.
I'm not really sure how this fits in with my ambitious mission statement of finding solutions and cures and all that.

Getting old

That's a little play on words -- the title of this entry, I mean.
It's just my little way of being funny about having a headache that's creeping into its third day and how it's making me worry about aging.
Anyway, it started Saturday and it's now Monday morning.
At no point has it been totally debilitating -- it's just kept me from doing some things I wanted to do and made things I did do less enjoyable.
I guess I should be grateful it isn't any worse.
But wretch that I am, I'm not grateful. I just want it to stop already.
I've been assuming that this is a hormonal thing, that I'm sliding into menopause (kicking and screaming) and that there's no telling where it will end.
The fact that I woke up early this morning (4 a.m.-ish), too hot and had to turn the a/c temperature down a couple degrees does nothing to dispell this illusion.
But who knows? Maybe it's something else.
A sinus thing?
I should be getting ready for work now -- though going to work sounds about as thrilling as a root canal just about now.
I'm working Saturday and this should be my day off to compensate, but my editor asked me to wait and take off next Friday because a lot of people are on vacation
I guess if it starts getting bad I'll go home.
IMHO it should start going away soon. I was waiting for that to happen yesterday afternoon and evening, but...