Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Still bad

I'm just tired of being in pain or worrying about being in pain all the time.

In fact, I'm starting to think about going back to the doctors and trying the next drug on the list. It's an antidepressant -- I forget which one -- and it's supposed to prevent headaches. Hell, I'm depressed enough about the headaches that I might qualify for it on those grounds as well. Okay -- I probably qualified for it before, but that's another story for another blog.

I suppose I don't need to say that the last few days have been fairly not great in my head.

I had a knock-down drag-out over the holiday weekend. In all, two days of pain, bad enough at its peak that I seriously considered calling an ambulance to take me to the emergency room. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but it was really starting to get to me. As usual, what stopped me was the thought of having to talk to people and fill out forms and things like that -- it didn't seem worth whatever relief they might have to offer.

But where was I?

I have a really fairly mild headache right now. It started around mid morning and kicked in a bit more solidly by mid afternoon. I just tried to get my story done well and quickly so I could get the hell out of there in case it really started to roll. Despite my best efforts, my editor wanted to change things in my story and I snapped at him. Felt really stupid.

Although the pain was not anywhere near excruciating, I left work depressed and thinking seriously about quitting and moving in with my mother. Maybe that doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but trust me, only the very sheerest desperation could persuade me to move back in with her or I'd have done it long ago.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Even without the headaches, my life often seems difficult and unpleasant -- but with them? When my head hurts, it just seems like my life would be easy-peesey without the pain. People who are healthy should get down on their knees and thank God, Allah, Buddha or the Flying Spaghetti Monster morning, noon and night.

As you can see, all of my millions of readers (hah!), I'm not coping too well at the moment.
I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.